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Honest Job App
Courtesy of Randy C.
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NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Bastard)
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SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who
will cooperate)
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DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be
applying here in the first place
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DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can
haggle.
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EDUCATION: Yes.
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LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
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PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
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MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
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REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
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HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
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PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
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DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more
intimate environment .
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MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
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DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP
TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
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DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be 'Do
you have a car that runs?'
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HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
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DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no!
On my breaks - yes!
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WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
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NEAREST RELATIVE .....7 miles
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DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
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