Signs & Stuff

Ski lift sign, as seen in the "Sunday Oregonian" (via "Parade" magazine's annual end of the year celebration circa 1990): Going beyond this point may result in death and/or loss of skiing privileges.

A French radio station closed its programming day with this note: "We hope you have enjoyed our nocturnal emissions and will be with us tomorrow for more."

When a French Canadian politician was applauded by an American audience, he beamed: "l thank you for giving my wife and me the clap! I thank you from the heart of my bottom!"

A notice in a Madras, India, newspaper proclaimed: "Our editors are colleged and write like the Kipling and the Dickens."

In The Moscow Times an ad under the heading "interpreting" advised: "Bet us your letter of business translation do. Every people in our staffing know English like the hand of their back. Up to the minuet wise-street phrases, don't you know, old boy."

IN A SARAJEVO HOTEL: Guests should announce abandonment of their rooms before 12 o'clock, emptying the room at the latest until 14 o'clock for the use of the room before 5 at the arrival after the 16 o'clock at the departure will be billed as one more night.

IN A HOTEL IN WEIFANG, CHINA: Invisible service is available for your rest not being disturbed.

FROM A HOTEL BROCHURE IN QINGDAO: Hua Tian Hotel is among the few best foreign affairs hotels.

IN THE BROCHURE OF AN ITALIAN HOTEL IN THE DOLOMITES AREA: Standing among savage scenery, the hotel offers stupendous revelations. There is a French widow in every room. We can offer you a commodious chamber, with balcony imminent to a romantic gorge. We hope you want to drop in. In the close village you can buy jolly memorials for when you pass away.

IN A BROCHURE PROMOTING A SORRENTO HOTEL: Syrene Bellevue Hotel joins a modern functional equipment with a distinguished and smart style of the 18th century. It is located on the seas, far off the centre a few minutes afoot and owing to a number of gardens and sunny terraces, guarantee is given for an ideal stay in stillness and absolute rest. The restaurant salon with a large view of the Gulf of Naples, a restaurant service with a big choice, the private beach to be reached by a lift from inside directly, complete the undiscussable peculiarities of this unit.

FROM A VENEZUELAN TRAVEL BROCHURE: In this Expedition you will know the highets waterfall in the world. From Canaima, through the Sabana, the Jungles and the rivers Carrao and Churun, you'll enjoy one of the biggets emotions of this life. And the facilities Camp. Guides as natives, all experts, will bring you trough troubles waters, just where a few have made it. Be you one of them. Meals in open fire never taste so goo.

ON A "FAMILY STYLE" RESTAURANT IN HONG KONG: Come Broil Yourself at Your own Table.

ON A CHINESE MENU: Mr. Zheng and his fellowworkers like to meet you and entertain you with their hostility and unique cooking techniques.

ON ANOTHER CHINESE MENU: Special cocktails for women with nuts

ON A GREEK MENU: Spleen omelet, fisherman's crap soup, calf pluck, bowels

OUTSIDE A MEXICO CITY DISCO: Members and Non-Members Only

SIGN ON A FERRY IN SAN JUAN HARBOR: In case of emergency, the lifeguard are under the seat in the center of the vessel.

IN A JEWELER'S WINDOW IN INDIA: We shoot earholes.

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: 38 years on the same spot.

In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.

On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

Outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

In the vestry of a New England church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

And apparently, somewhere in England in an open field otherwise untouched by human presence, there is a sign that says "Do not throw stones at this sign."