Imperfect Sex Manual

Some time ago the British magazine `New Statesman' had a humour competition in which readers were asked to come up with a letter complaining to the publisher of a sex manual, "relating to serious injury sustained, damage inflicted, or frustration experienced, after following the instructions contained therein."

Peter Norman won 15 pounds for this:

Dear Sir,

One knows that publishing standards are declining, but I have never been so shocked and appalled by the number of misprints in a single publication. I refer, of course, to your "100 Easy Steps to Martial (sic) Satisfaction". Some of the advice therein is rendered misleading, dangerous or even illegal by such errors.

For instance, on page 212, one is enjoined to "carefully place a condor on your penis..." Later, on the same page, we are told to "stroke the beast, stimulating the erectile tissue at its tip", a course of action that I fancy even trained falconers would eschew. Elsewhere, my partner actually followed to the letter (pardon my little joke) the instructions to "fondle your mans bills" (p39) and "give him a long, slow message" (p128), both of which proved positively anaphrodisiac. And no one, surely, outside ancient Carthage has "punic hair" (p56) or uses a `dido' (p337). In chapter 1, the recommended "fissionary position" (p6) sounds a little explosive for beginners...