Signs of a Bad Divorce

Signs Your Divorce Isn't Going Well:

• Since his recent divorce, your lawyer has been using his car for an office.
• Your spouse's lawyer has suddenly taken to lighting his cigarettes with twenties.
• The judge is seriously considering your spouse's request for custody of your immortal soul.
• Your spouse's attorney is seeking the death penalty.
• Your husband has been granted temporary custody of one of your implants.
• Your mother's name appears on your wife's witness list.
• Given the choice, your penis opts to live with her.
• Your portion of the settlement so far: The Commodore 64, the Chia pets and the Wham! CD collection.
• Jerry Springer cancelled your appearance, citing "Safety Concerns."
• You discover that Judge Jacques' last name is actually *not* pronounced "Jack-ass."
• In her search for hidden assets, your wife hires a proctologist.
• Your half of the dog arrives postage due.
• Johnnie Cochran's closing argument: "If dad goes gay, he's got to pay!"
• During the pre-trial conference, the judge brings your wife to orgasm with his toe under the conference table.