Do I Look Fat?

Strategic responses to the ever dangerous "Do I look Fat" question:

• "No, not to Stevie Wonder."
• "Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."
• "Does this tie make me look stupid?"
• "No hablo ingles."
• "Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things kinda balance out."
• "If I answer that question, then the terrorists have won."
• "Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."
• "Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."
• "Let me jog around to your front and take a look."
• "No, honey. But just to be safe, steer clear of one-legged sea captains."
• "Whoa! A talking couch!!"
• "May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"