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Answering Machine Messages
Courtesy of Gregory G.
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We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again.
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Hi, this is Ed. I'm secretly replacing Faith and Larry with dark sparkling Folger's Crystals. Leave your name, number, and a brief message and they'll call you back when they're nice and percolated. See if you can tell the difference.
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WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED. But we're not home right now. So leave a message at the tone, and we'll assimilate you later.
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Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
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Hello, this is KVKE, you're on the air.
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Hello, you're caller number nine, and will be answered in order.
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E'llo. My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Leave your name and umber, and prepare to die.
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This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".
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I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
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I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.
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Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP
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(Rod Serling imitation:) You're dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world without time, where sound collides with color and shadows explode. You see a signpost up ahead this is no ordinary telephone answering device... You have reached, "The Twilight Phone".
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Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.
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Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not...er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern...
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This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.
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I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... You know what I mean.
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(Record it directly off AT&T) The number you dialed is disconnected or no longer in service.
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Hi, you've reached 340-2359. We're not peeb eht retfa egassem ruoy evael esaelpos ,won thgir emoh. gnillac rof uoy knahT.
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The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it.
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You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.
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(Klingon voice:) ANSWERING MACHINE. SPEAK.
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You have reached the number you have dialed. Please leave a message after the beep. Now I lay me down to sleep; Leave a message at the beep. If I die before I wake, Remember to erase the tape.
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